Recently my wife brought home a copy of The Oprah Magazine. (The tutoring program received donations of several magazines to use various articles for English practice and discussion in the older grades.) Let me first admit that while I respect Oprah, I have never been a fan of hers. What caught my attention was an article entitled "The Two-Apartment Marriage" (from the March 2005 edition). The article is about a new bride named Valerie who is sharing the story of her recent marriage to a man named Steve. Steve is an opera singer who practices at home and works some nights. Valerie is a writer who spends her days at home working. Steve had never been married before and this is Valerie 's second marriage. Valerie has two children and Steve has none.
When asked whose idea was it to adopt the two apartment plan, Valerie says, "It was all Steve. He was the one to suggest marriage in the first place, just as he imposed the two-apartment condition. I wanted him to move in" Valerie says that when she tells people of her situation: "The judgmental reaction usually comes from never-married women, those who cling to the idealized version of postnuptial bliss and have limited experience with the frustration and suffocation of spending too much time with one person." She then goes on to add: "And if I sound defensive, what of it? Maybe I am scrambling for justification."
According to Valerie, the details of the two-apartment marriage are: "Steve will stay at my place in Brooklyn most of the time. But he needs his privacy a couple of nights a week. He has lived alone for decades and the kids are exhausting."
What do the kids think about this situation? The oldest daughter is the one who really pushed for the marriage to take place. She said to her mom, "I want a dad." To which Valerie comments, "You wouldn't think legal status would matter to a kid as young as 9. But it does." Janet Weisberg, PhD, a therapist in private practice in New York City says, "Kids want what other kids have. She wants a dad to show off to her friends. But she also craves security."
Linda Carter, PhD, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and director of the Family Studies Program at the NYU Child Study Center, says to Valerie, "Steve is going to be your husband, stepfather to your kids, spending the majority of his time at your apartment. He's had his place for, what? You said 20 years? He's attached to it. Most of his stuff is there. Keeping it is a way he can hold on to his identity."
I know this article is three years old, but what do you think of the two-apartment marriage? My friends in Seminary desiring to be a pastor, what counsel would you give if a couple in your church had this type of arrangement? My friends who are much wiser than I, how should the Christian respond to this type of situation?
2 comments:
Based on your summary, I think that this is absolutely crazy! My husband is the writer in our relationship, he works from home, I am a singer/seminary student who practices and studies at home, and works part time.
Whatever happened to a separate office or practice room? Is a second apartment REALLY necessary?
It's lousy as far as stewardship goes. As a couple, they are paying rent and utilities on two apartments - in New York, no less. Probably at least $1500ish per apartment, per month.
If I was advising the gal in a situation like this, I would have told her not to marry the man with such a condition imposed. It reveals an unwillingness to really become one. Marriage means giving up your single identity. And if spending too much time together is suffocating, then, again, why are they getting married in the first place?
As for the kids... should we teach them that security is in appearances? That this is a good picture of what marriage should look like?
Marriage is about sacrifice - not selfishness, and this just seems like a selfishness on Steve's part. That should be confronted.
I had read this article too. In a way this is kind of appealing to me. Of course, I have thought that it would be nice to have separate bedrooms with adjoining bathroom because I have been single too long and enjoy my own bed. But that doesn't mean you couldn't ever stay in your spouse's room. Controversial I'm sure but I really think that it would be a HUGE adjustment to have to share my space after 36 years.
-B
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